Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
