Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
