I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Randomize
