If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I need moral support for this bender
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
