Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
