apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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