yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
