Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
