arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize