He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
