trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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