Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
