apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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