I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Randomize
