sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
