He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
