The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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