I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
