just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I am one with the molecules
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize