are you so shy because you have an std?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
