Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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