So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
