drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
