I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
