just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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