Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
