I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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