OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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