Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
