Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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