my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i wish my penis had a tongue
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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