great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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