Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
