1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
How external is "for external use only"?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
