mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Randomize