I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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