I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
