M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
sarcasm needs its own font
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
