Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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