sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
