so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
