So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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