how can u be prego again
Please, let me fuck your mom
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
