all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
