Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
