Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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