he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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