I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize