i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
