she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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