Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
