Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
