Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I can't put those talents on a resume
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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