No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Jerry, you need to find god
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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