Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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