$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
