i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
