You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I did not marry a roomba.
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