so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
