When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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