..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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