my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
