I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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