I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
