my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
